The way you do the things you do

Motown music, affirmations on theological quandries, playing the ? game with fellow Bethanyarians, driving through showers of orange and gold leaves, dinner with good friends, the privilege of sitting with and holding hands with a beautiful woman in her last hours and holding her husband while he cries and prays for strength, and the anticipation of getting here

The heart tells

Well, it has hit. It took its dear sweet time, but it has finally arrived. After 3 weeks my heart feels as if it is breaking. Perhaps it is being here at the beach, taking the time to breathe, to rest and relax that has allowed the cool, calm, reasoning facade to crumble. Being here has forced me to let down my guard. It is as if the waves have broken down the stoney resolve surrounding my heart and the gentle breezes have blown all the debris away.

Now I am left with a heart that feels very raw. Each notification I receive of another need, another concern brings tears to my eyes and an ache deep inside. How can people do this time and time again? How can I?

What's going on?

"I thought if I didn't hear laughter you all weren't here," said the one who came late. Unfortunately there was not much laughter for her to hear. Instead our lunch was filled with statements such as:

"I have a voice! I want to use it!"
"We have to support one another!"
"There are forces at work right here!"

Instead of humor, it was words of anger, fear, pain and need that were heard most. Instead of speaking through the laughter, we were speaking through the tears. Tears for others and tears for ourselves. Tears for what was, what is and what could be.

What is our focus though? Is it on the obstacles? Where are we placing our energies? Is it in complaining and angry words? The things blocking the way to peace cannot be ignored any more than the anger and hurt they bring to our souls. I can't help but believe, however, that if we focus on what we are called to do, to be; if we look to the One who calls us from the beginning, then the answers of peace will come.


But me, I'm not giving up. I'm sticking around to see what God will do.I'm waiting for God to make things right. I'm counting on God to listen to me. (Micah 7:7 The Message)

Peace be still and know

I sit here in my home office looking at the piles of books for classes yet to start, boxes yet to be unpacked from Cloverdale and classwork to be filed away. It is a mess. Then my eyes look up to the posters on the wall directly in front of me.

He Qi's Calling Disciples

and Peace Be Still

What beautiful reminders of why I have this office in the first place and what it is I am supposed to do here.

The Trouble with Epiphanies

Christ came into my room and stood there
And I was bored to death.
I had work to do.
I wouldn't have minded if he'd been crippled or something
- I do well with cripples -
but he just stood there, all face
and with that damned guitar.
I didn't ask him to sit down;
He'd have stayed all day.
Let's be honest. You can be crucified just so often -
Then you've had it.
I mean you're useless; no good to God,
Let alone to anybody else.
So I said to him after a while,
Well, what's up? What do you want?
And he laughed, stupid,
Said he was just passing by
And thought he'd say hello.
Great, I said, Hello
So he left.
And I was so damned mad
I couldn't even listen to the radio. I went
And got some coffee.
The trouble with Christ is
He always comes at the wrong time.

--John L'Heureux, quoted in Monk Habits for Ordinary People: Benedictine Spirituality for Protestants by Dennis Ockholm

I'm getting old

As we drive, we discuss work, family, church. We catch up on common acquaintances. We share common motherhood experiences. We talk about recent and upcoming graduates, students in seminary...then she says, "Wow! Those are kids I worked with at NYC and in youth activities! I feel so old!" Hmmmm...SHE is one of the kids I worked with at NYC and in youth activities...

I feel so old.

Color my world with hope

a quiet office in which to work, actually being able to complete a task, smiles and hugs from the little-bits from Day Care, Kenny's tilted but shiny halo, knowing that I have a safe place to go at night...and for some reason, this song

As time goes on
I realize
Just what you mean
To me
And now
Now that you're near
Promise your love
That I've waited to share
And dreams
Of our moments together
Color my world with hope of loving you
- Chicago