I'm getting old

As we drive, we discuss work, family, church. We catch up on common acquaintances. We share common motherhood experiences. We talk about recent and upcoming graduates, students in seminary...then she says, "Wow! Those are kids I worked with at NYC and in youth activities! I feel so old!" Hmmmm...SHE is one of the kids I worked with at NYC and in youth activities...

I feel so old.

Color my world with hope

a quiet office in which to work, actually being able to complete a task, smiles and hugs from the little-bits from Day Care, Kenny's tilted but shiny halo, knowing that I have a safe place to go at night...and for some reason, this song

As time goes on
I realize
Just what you mean
To me
And now
Now that you're near
Promise your love
That I've waited to share
And dreams
Of our moments together
Color my world with hope of loving you
- Chicago

Listen...

Listen...why is it so difficult for some to do? A specific question, a specific topic...just listen. If you don't listen when other people ask questions, when you see their faces and hear their voices, how do you expect to hear God...who you cannot see and whose voice comes in many ways? Why should others take your responses seriously when you don't listen to their questions?

I really don't understand. Is it fear? Is it a need to be right? Whatever it is, it certainly is not what I imagine God's church to be.

Summer breeze makes me feel fine...

Funny how things you have done over and over again can seem so different. I have been coming to the beach with the Cassells for almost 30 years now but this time, well it is different.

The anticipation welling up inside me came bursting out in the car, "ROB!" "Yeah?" "WE ARE GOING TO THE BEACH!!!"

This morning I put my hands on Bobby's shoulders and shook him as gently as my excitement would allow, "Bobby!" "Yeah?" "WE ARE AT THE BEACH!!!"

My excitement turns to complete satisfaction as I expend my energy in the waves...then I lay on the sand feeling the heat of the earth seep into my bones. Such a pleasant heat. I love that feeling. So different from any other kind of heat. It feels as if Mother Earth is reaching out to ease my tired achy muscles and warm the very marrow of my bones.

I have work to do: a sermon to write, a worship service to plan, a letter to type, a decision to make, but that's ok because....

I'M AT THE BEACH!!!!!

Art Gish (1939-2010)

All of Hebron was under total curfew today. I could sense something was wrong. As I walked up the street I soon realized there was trouble at Al Manara. I was horrified at what I saw. There were two tanks and two bulldozers leveling the produce market which extended over two blocks. Produce lay scattered and smashed everywhere, here in this city where many are hungry. Shop owners were scrambling to save boxes of tomatoes, oranges, bananas, and more.

My first response was to just stand there, weeping and sobbing. The scene was so horrifying, so disgusting, so depraved. I could not emotionally bear it. I felt completely helpless.

Soldiers near Lutheran christmas churchDec 4, 02. The produce market was at Al Manara because the Israeli military closed the former produce market in response to the massacre of Muslims in the Ibrihimi Mosque in 1994. In every peace accord since then, Israel has promised to reopen the market. It has never been reopened. Israeli settlers now live in that building.
I continued to feel helpless, but I also felt I had to do something. I started carrying boxes of produce out of the way of the bulldozers. I saved maybe 12 crates of produce from being crushed.

I began confronting soldiers. In a loud voice, I asked them if they were proud of what they were doing, if this is peace, if this is what they want Israel to become. I shouted, "Baruch hashem Adonai" (Blessed be the name of the Lord).

The soldiers tried their best to ignore me, but I am sure they heard me. I ignored their commands for me to leave. One soldier spit at me, so I walked right up to him and invited him to spit on me. He declined the offer.

Three soldiers aimed their guns at and moved toward a group of Palestinian bystanders. It looked to me like they were going to shoot. I quickly jumped in front of the soldiers, raised my hands in the air and shouted, "Shoot me, shoot me, go ahead and shoot me." The soldiers immediately left.

A tank came roaring toward me, its big gun barrel aimed at me. I raised my hands in the air in prayer, and shouted, "Shoot, shoot, Baruch hashem adonai." The tank stopped within inches of me.

I then knelt in the street in prayer, with my hands raised. I felt alone, weak, helpless. I could only cry out to God.

Later this afternoon I went back to Al Manara and watched shop owners dig through the huge piles of rubble, trying to salvage what they could. What could I say?
The Israeli military had put all of Hebron under total curfew today, saying they were looking for terrorists. Now I wonder if there really were terrorists hidden among the apples and oranges. Or, are the Israeli soldiers committing acts of terrorism against the civilian population of Hebron?

I fear for what may come next.

http://mideastchristians.virtualactivism.net/articles/amongapples.htm

VBS music

Ancient words, ever true
changing me, changing you
We have come with open hearts
Oh, let the ancient words impart

It happens

Sunday I became overwhelmed with the sadness of those around me. Heartache, grief, pain, confusion, aging, violence, loss, fear. There was just so much. It happens like that sometimes.

Last night I became overwhelmed with the energy of those around me. Uninhibited preschoolers in the chancel dancing and signing with the music video, elementary kids sharing their vast knowledge, those about to enter Middle School trying to look cool and have fun at the same time...and the adults...dancing, signing, singing, tired after a full day of work and yet still able to minister to kids. There was just so much. It happens like that sometimes.

Turn, turn, turn

"To everything there is a time and a purpose under heaven."

Now is a time for prayer...a time for sitting with God and listening. It is a time to not worry about what to do, but a time to wait and trust. Seems like I went through this not too long ago, yet, here I am again.

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven
A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven
A time to build up,a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven
A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven
A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it's not too late

The Byrds

Sheltering Trees

3 years ago this fall, I received a phone call that literally took me to my knees. I had been taking classes for quite a while not really knowing what I was to do with the knowledge, and then the call came to serve as Asst. Pastor at Cloverdale.

The past 3 years have been exciting, educational, emotional and right. Whenever anyone has asked me how things were, I would say, "It is right." And it has been. I have really felt as if this is where I have needed to be. Time moves on, however, and we don't stay in the same place of life forever.

Nor do we see things as others see them. "Ever since you have been at Cloverdale, I have watched you struggle. My prayer for you has been that you would be able to minister in a place where you could relax and enjoy it; where your spiritual health could be nourished."

The insight of friends never ceases to amaze me.

Here I am trying to help this congregation through the changes headed its way, seeing possibilities beyond its current vision limits and someone is doing the same thing for me.

Today's song:

It's been said a friend is like a mighty sheltering tree
A place of refuge we can run when trouble comes for you and me
Someone we can count on through the thick and thin
When the storms of life are blowing, there's just nothing like a friend
(There's just nothing like a friend)

We all need sheltering trees
Friends in our lives who'll get down on their knees
And lift us up before the king of kings
We all need sheltering trees

There've been days that i was sure that i couldn't make it through
Clouds of doubt came rolling in and i didn't know what i would do
I would've given in and said i just can't go on
If it hadn't been for a friend that helped me to be strong
(Helped me to be strong)

You can face the highest mountain andthe climb won't feel so high
Or cross the darkest valley and it won't seem so wide
Nothing is impossible when a friend is by your side

(Newsong)

Today's Song

Hey Jude don't make it bad,
Take a sad song and make it better,
Remember, to let her into your heart,
Then you can start to make it better.

Hey Jude don't be afraid,
You were made to go out and get her,
The minute you let her under your skin,
Then you begin to make it better.

And anytime you feel the pain, Hey Jude refrain,
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders.
For well you know that it's a fool, Who plays it cool,
By making his world a little colder.

Hey Jude don't let me down,
You have found her now go and get her,
Remember (Hey Jude) to let her into your heart,
Then you can start to make it better.

So let it out and let it in
Hey Jude begin,
You're waiting for someone to perform with.

And don't you know that it's just you.
Hey Jude, you'll do,
The movement you need is on your shoulder.

Hey Jude, don't make it bad,
Take a sad song and make it better,
Remember to let her under your skin,
Then you'll begin to make it all better

Hey Jude (Beatles)

I am tired, I am weak, I am worn

Glenn is out of town. The usual happens. 12 hour days of funerals, hospital visits, grieving with a tired elderly gentleman when his wife dies, worship planning, sermon writing, NYC planning, wedding planning, commission and board meetings..... When I finally get home, I am bone tired and yet I cannot go to sleep. My house is a pile of laundry and dirty dishes. Questions fill my mind and heart as to whether I could actually do this on a long-term basis.

Then I get a phone call. "She was actually livelier after your visit. She said if she had a pastor like you she would really like to go to church. This old mother's heart was so happy!"

My eyes are drawn to the picture of the first wedding I officiated.

Another phone call...someone from the congregation has a gift for me. I look around the office at other gifts.

I am still bone tired, but...can I not do it?

I'ts gonna be a big one!

I feel as if I am in the midst of one of the recent earthquakes that have shaken the world. My prayer is that the result is not one of complete destruction. The feeling that something is about to happen seems to have taken over my being. There are many things that could happen, but I am not sure any one in particular is causing this rattling within my being. As seen in regard to the earthquakes, it is best to be prepared for such an event. Some, however, do not have the infrastructure required to be prepared. Question...do I?

things that make for peace...

I sit on the sand and hear the sound of waves gently lapping on the shore; low, gentle, calm voices sharing, loving; the songs of birds resting in the branches. I feel the warmth of the sun, not only on my skin, but deep within my very bones; the gentle breeze blowing softly.

Then I come back. No longer am I lulled and comforted by the water, sun and breeze. No longer am I feeling peaceful, relaxed, restored.

Instead I hear the sound of angry voices accusing, fighting for power; restless beings pushing and pulling, taking and definitely not loving. The songs I hear are battle calls. The air I feel is chilled with the tension and gusts of conflict and I feel myself being drawn into the throng.

I want to go back.

Figuring it out

A coil and ring puzzle was passed on to me for my attempt at solving it. As I looked at it, I knew it could not be solved in its current state. Something had to change. As I pondered the possibilities, I realized there was only one and it required a slight bit of force. I hesitated...do I exert the force and risk damaging something that did not belong to me? Though it was only a couple of pieces of heavy wire, it brought memories of a long lost father to the owner. Did I want to risk causing irreparable harm? Encouraged by a trusted smile and wink, I did. I took the risk and though it initially caused me some confusion, with more encouragement, I solved the puzzle.

A problem.
A needed change.
Hesitation. Concerns about what if.
Encouragement.
Confusion.
Encouragement.
Success.

Hmmmmm.

Now that's a lot of work

"K, I need a place to hang my work clothes." - easy
"Mom, I need a curtain for my bathroom." - easy
"Mom, I need a tablecloth." - easy
"Karen, I need some more medicine." - easy
"We need someone to provide a program for the Women's meeting." - easy
" I need you to work up the order of worship." - easy
" We need some new Sunday School curriculum." - easy

"We need a community where we can share questions, learn together, support one another, serve together...where we can be the church." - now that's not so easy

It is so easy to serve others when the thing needed is something I can just give or do. Helping others to work toward something can be much harder. Especially when they expect it to be just as easy.

Soulshine...

When you can't find the light,
That got you through the cloudy days,
When the stars ain't shinin' bright,
You feel like you've lost you're way,

When those candle lights of home,
Burn so very far away,
Well you got to let your soul shine,
Just like my daddy used to say.

[Chorus] He used to say soulshine,
It's better than sunshine,
It's better than moonshine,
Damn sure better than rain.

Hey now people don't mind,
We all get this way sometime,
Got to let your soul shine, shine till the break of day.
I grew up thinkin' that I had it made,
Gonna make it on my own.

Life can take the strongest man,
Make him feel so alone.
Now and then I feel a cold wind,
Blowin' through my achin' bones,
I think back to what my daddy said,
He said "Boy, in the darkness before the dawn:"

[Chorus] Let your soul shine,
It's better than sunshine,
It's better than moonshine,
Damn sure better than rain.

Yeah now people don't mind,
We all get this way sometimes,
Gotta let your soul shine, shine till the break of day.

Sometimes a man can feel this emptiness,
Like a woman has robbed him of his very soul.
A woman too, God knows, she can feel like this.
And when your world seems cold, you got to let your spirit take control.

[Chorus] Let your soul shine,
It's better than sunshine,
It's better than moonshine,
Damn sure better than rain.

Lord now people don't mind,
We all get this way sometimes,
Gotta let your soul shine, shine till the break of day.

Oh, it's better than sunshine,
It's better than moonshine,
Damn sure better than rain.
Yeah now people don't mind,
We all get this way sometimes,
Gotta let your soul shine, shine till the break of day.

The Allman Brothers

An evening at the Kidd's

"I really think that if I had stopped at those Methodist learnings when I was 8, I would be much better off."

"Would you like to go pick blueberries with us early in the morning?"
(answer...sarcastically) "Of course...that's my favorite time of day."

Story..."The boys asked one evening, "Have you ever wished you had had an affair?" He looked at them and said, "Well your mother and I discussed it, then, she told me that if I ever did, she would kill me." And those boys believed him! They believe everythig he tells them! Me who catches bugs in the house and takes them outside! The one who takes in every stray cat she finds! They think I would really kill their father!"

Drunken despondant 25 yr old sailor..."Besides fixing your fence that I drove through, nothing else matters...I don't matter."
Walter's response..."You do matter."

"...do you believe that God called you to Cloverdale?"...............Yes.

My eyes see, my heart swells, my mind wonders

Today's Song...

Every night I say a prayer in the hope that there's a heaven
And every day I'm more confused as the saints turn into sinners
All the heroes and legends I knew as a child have fallen to idols of clay
And I feel this empty place inside so afraid that I've lost my faith

Show me the way, show me the way
Take me tonight to the river
And wash my illusions away
Show me the way

And as I slowly drift to sleep, for a moment dreams are sacred
I close my eyes and know there's peace in a world so filled with hatred
That I wake up each morning and turn on the news to find we've so far to go
And I keep on hoping for a sign, so afraid that I just won't know

Show me the way,
Show me the way
Take me tonight to the mountain
And wash my confusion away
And if I feel light, should I believe
Tell me how will I know

Show me the way, show me the way
Take me tonight to the river
And wash my illusions away
Show me the way, show me the way

Give me the strength and the courage
To believe that I'll get there someday
Show me the way

Every night I say a prayer
In the hope that there's a heaven...

(Styx - Dennis DeYoung)

Reframing

I'm thinking about this word a lot lately. Mainly because we discussed it in my last Bethany class in connection with leadership, power, understanding situations, WIGIAT (Where is God in all this?), "What is really happening?," "Where do I come into the picture?"

I thought my short-term employment record may have come to a halt, but now, I'm not sure. As I reframe the past, I am now having to consider reframing the present.

So, what will the decision be...an alltogether new frame or one that's been used before - one that probably doesn't fit the new picture?