I'm too old for this

How do you know when enough is enough? When is it time to go and how do you go when you have responsibility? Do you just pick up and leave a church because you don't like what it has become? Because you don't feel there is a place for you? Or rather, a place for what you want to be? Is it selfish and irresponsible to leave for greener pastures instead of working to help the church you're at become what God wants it to be? What is it....if you can't handle what God has given you, why think God would give you more?

And...how do you know if the pull toward certain things is actually a "calling" or your own unconscience, underlying desire for control or attention?

And...why, at 46 years of age, am I going through this? Isn't this something that young people go through when they graduate from High School? College? When lives are going through all kinds of natural changes?

UGH

Crazy

“I know this will sound crazy, but…”

Ever say that? I did this morning.

I dreamt last night that I was in a house with several friends and family members when the phone rang. Odd, I am the only one who hears it. “Hello?” “Karen, it’s Virginia! I’ve fallen and hurt my hip! I can’t get up! I need help!” “Where are you?” “At home!” “We’ll be right there.” I go tell everyone that Virginia has fallen and needs help. Nobody listens. I tell them again, a little louder, “Virginia is hurt! She needs help!” Still no response from anyone. As I am currently in my pj’s (I am asleep in bed after all), I go get dressed – in my church clothes, dress, hose and hells, of course because Virginia is a dear lady from church – and run out the door. End of dream.

When I wake up and all through the morning, Virginia is on my mind. I try to push the remnants of the dream aside and get to my housework. Nothing works though. I end up picking up the phone and calling Virginia.

“Virginia? This is Karen Cassell. I know this will sound crazy, but I had a dream last night that you weren’t well and I had to call and check on you.”

(Laughing)”I’m ok this morning, Karen. I did fall yesterday. I was raking leaves and my foot slipped off of the pavement. I had a great big knot on my hip and knew I would be really sore this morning, but it’s not as bad as I thought.”

Some people would say that I am psychic. Some would say I had Virginia on my mind when I went to bed. Some would say God spoke to me in my dreams. My husband would say I am crazy.

Way too often I brush aside those feelings, thoughts, images that fly around like gnats until you finally squash them. What is it that keeps me from doing those little things like calling someone when they are on my mind. Sending a card just to say, “Thinking of you.” Why do I worry about what others think? Why do I worry about sounding crazy? Maybe that worry, that inhibition is crazy!

Maybe I am crazy, but if doing crazy things like calling Virginia can bring a smile to others like I heard in her voice, “I am so glad you called, Karen! That was so sweet!”, then I will just go on being crazy.

Crazy, I'm crazy for feeling so lonely
I'm crazy, crazy for feeling so blue
I knew you'd love me as long as you wanted
And then someday you'd leave me for somebody new
Worry, why do I let myself worry?
Wond'ring what in the world did I do?
Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you
I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying
And I'm crazy for loving you
Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you
I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying
And I'm crazy for loving you.

Boldness

The preacher shared his surprise at finding out that even with all the churches in our area, there are still many people who are "un-churched." "Doesn't that surprise you?" he asked. I sat there shaking my head both as answer to his question, but also because I couldn't believe he was so naive. The man is somewhere in his latter 70's. He is an educated minister having served several different congregations from various parts of the country. He has served on national committees for the denomination. Could he really believe that the majority of the people he meets throughout our area are Christian? Does he really think that the number of churches has anything to do with the spreading of the Gospel?

The setting was a Sunday School class consisting of maybe 3/4 of the active members of our congregation. The average age - probably at least 70. The lesson is based on Acts 4, the discussion centers on the boldness of the disciples - even though they were threatened, they continue to preach the Gospel of Jesus. The teacher asks, "Who in this room considers themselves to be bold when it comes to talking about the church?" Two people raise their hands. One a man considered to be a radical in the church, a physician who puts literal translations of scripture to test with his scientific knowledge. The other a man who is fairly new to the Christian faith. A woman comments, "Maybe it has something to do with the way we were raised. Back then, you just didn't do those things."

I sat there with these people who have helped me to become the person I am today; who have played a major part in my growth as a Christian. These people who have been to me the only "church family" I have ever really known. I hear them discuss "talking about the church," and I see them struggle. These faithful people who know that there is more that they should be doing and are encumbered with the weight of their physical limitations as well as a hesitancy to speak that has been etched into their beings. I share with the class that there is a group of young people who are coming into leadership within the church who are not hesitant to speak, who have no problem sharing their beliefs with others. I also tell them that the boldness of these young people has at times led me to try to instruct them in the ways of tact and respect for others, (Ah, yes, those brash young people!) Then, I tell them, that what really happens is that those young people instruct me. They remind me that tact and respect should never interfere with sharing the truth.

The preacher sits, smiles and nods. I am a southern woman, so I think to myself, "He is so clueless, bless his heart."

Breathe

ANNA NALICK - Breathe (2 AM)

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake,
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason'

Cause you can't jump the track,we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl,
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
Just a day, he sat down to the flask in his fist,
Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year.
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
'Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
Inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
and life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
And breathe, just breathe
Woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

B & Leah

On August 22, 1982 Rob and my doctor, Dr. Thomas Winn, helped me to bring into this world a fuzzy headed little girl. On this day 19 years ago, Rob and Dr. Leon Jennings helped me deliver a little girl with a head full of wild looking dark hair. I thought on those days that my love for them could never be greater. I was wrong.

I am a mother. Thank you God.

Keep looking

"I guess we all have to have some sickness in our lives."

This is from Rob during a conversation about his mom, Joanne, or "JoJo" as we call her. JoJo is in the hospital right now suffering from a bout of intestinal upheaval. They haven't decided what the root of the problem is, but they are still looking.

I had a discussion (I use this term very loosely) with my mother yesterday about politics, morality, sin and God's favor on the United States of America. It seems that we have a difference of opinion on what keeps this country from not having the full "favor" of God (and, what that "favor" is for that matter!) It could be either the fact that abortion is legal and that until we stop killing our children, it will never happen, or, it could be the fact that this country and its government are made up of people with natures that, for the most part, put themselves, their ideas and beliefs first. It seems that we haven't decided what the root of the problem is, but we are still looking.

Dana Beth's car is about to drive us crazy. It has been in the shop 4 times now and it still has the same problem. Rob and I both agreed last night that we are glad we didn't make her drive it back to Atlanta. Shifting gears hard enough to shake the occupants of the car, radio and a/c kicking in and out, dash lights flashing like the inside of a disco. Is it the alternator? Is it the electrical system? Is it possessed? They haven't decided what the root of the problem is, but they are still looking.

This seems a little random, human suffering, state of the nation, car trouble. However, they all bring me back to the same place, "they are still looking."

Cup of life

It has been a while, I know. My cup of life has been filled to overflowing with work, class, building, moving, pain. Admittedly, I only work 4-5 hours a day, 4 days/week, so the time I spend there really doesn't add a whole lot into the content, but the job does add. When I was in need of a new job, this one came around and it was great. The hours fit my schedule to a T. It provided me the opportunity to help with the financial income of our family and gave me the time I wanted/needed to be with Leah while she was still in school. I was able to volunteer with the band and be home when she got home. (Even though she was in high school, I still wanted to be there!) Now that she has moved on to college, I am not needed at home, but I still have the same hours. It is ok though, I have those hours to do cleaning, errands, whatever is needed. The hours, except for the small amount of cash they bring in, are not especially a problem either. The thing is, I have noticed a lack of attention in my boss. I have a lot of trouble with his understanding what I am talking about and I believe it is just because he can focus on what I am saying. Of course, as several members of my family would say, it could be the way I say things that is the problem.

I am currently in a class on evangelism that is a requirement of a certificate reading program through my church's district. In the past, the class has ranged in focus depending upon the instructor. Mission, evangelism and witness are the three most commonly used terms for the instructor's individual focus for the class. Anyway, I began the class reading a book written by a leader of a "mega" church and published by a company that provides material that I don't always agree with. That did not get me off to a great start. The first assignment of the class is to develop an evangelism "project." We are supposed to design and implement a evangelism exercise and evaluate it at the end of the class. I have a problem with that. Sure, I can go to a rest stop on the interstate and hand out bottles of water and say, "This is something Jesus would do." But how do I evaluate that? Do I give the number of bottles I gave out? The number of persons who refused bottles? The number of persons who fell on their knees and asked Jesus into their hearts? I did miss the class Sunday due to a funeral, so maybe they discussed these questions then. I need to get a copy of the tape.

We are in the process of building a new home. Something that we wanted to do since we got married. I think it was because we wanted things done the way we wanted them to be done. Whatever. I guess in some ways things are the way we want them, I mean, we do get to pick out the colors, the type of flooring, for the most part, the floor plan and that is fun. But there are some things that I wish we could do differently. I would have really liked the builders to use recycled or "green" materials. I would have maybe liked to go antique shopping and find some reusable lights, maybe a mantle for the fireplace, maybe stained glass widows. I would have liked to be absolutely sure that the doors would be wide enough for either Rob or I to go through in a wheelchair. I would have liked for there to be NO lip on the shower so we could get a wheelie seat in (it was SO, SO hard to get Daddy in and out of the shower!) I would have liked for Rob to be able to use those really old glass blocks he got from Granny's house somewhere in the building process, like one of the bathroom windows or something. I don't know, maybe I am just being too picky. Maybe I am just being selfish. Whatever, it is going to be a nice house. A one-floor house that will be SOOOO much easier to get around in. A brick house without the noise of the wind blowing through the siding. A HOUSE WITH A PORCH TO PUT A SWING AND ROCKING CHAIRS ON!!! It is going to be a house that we can live in and be safe, and I guess right now that is all I should really care about.

Getting to the above-mentioned house has been a real experience. Since we decided to go ahead and build, we have been cleaning out, throwing away, giving away and storing away all our "stuff." It is so amazing to me the amount of "stuff" we can accumulate in 25 years! I feel as if I have gotten rid of so much and yet, there is so much left! I really don't feel that I "need" all this stuff, but I don't want to get rid of it. I want my girls to be able to have the quilts their grandmothers and great grandmothers made. I want them to be able to have some of the furniture pieces that have been handed down since their great-great grandparents made them. I want to have all the resources I have been collecting for youth ministry, preaching, devotion writing should (when?) I need them. I like to be creative and like to have materials available to me when I get the urge to be creative. Where does it end?

Moving has also become a 2 time event. Our old house is sold and the new one is not done, so we have had to move into a rental home that the builder owns. It is a huge old house. It is a cool house, lots of rooms, hardwood floors, wide trim work. The kind of house I would have liked to buy when we got married and fixed up. The only thing about it is the previous occupant. There has been a mouse living in the kitchen somewhere. I have had to wash the silverware, utensils and pots and pans and move them out of the cabinets due to mouse droppings all over them. I have even had to throw away our toaster because the little critter found some tasty snacks in the bottom of it and left a calling card to let us know. We set some traps - for my comfort level, one of them was a "humane" trap, and finally caught a mouse Tuesday night. Hopefully, that was the only one living within the walls and I can feel safe using the stove and oven, a site also visited by the little critter, and put the stuff back in the drawers and cabinets.

As for the pain, well, I am hoping that there will soon be an end to it. I have a herniated disc that causes pain down my right leg. This has been going on since the middle of January and, actually, I am getting a little tired of it. The surgeon I was referred to is a conservative physician and doesn't want to cut me open if another method of treatment will take care of the pain. The problem is, so far, no other treatment has worked. This is a little stressful in and of itself, but there is also the problem of not being able to do the things I want or need to do because of aggravating the problem or making it worse. Rob has basically done all of this moving stiff by himself. On top of that, he has taken care of the normal house work. I feel so guilty about that and so sorry for him. I want to take walks, to hike with my friends, to just be able to walk through the grocery store without pain, but no. Well, as I said, I am hoping there will soon be an end to this disc problem.

Now that I have spent all this time and space on my personal gripes and troubles, on my overflowing cup of life, I feel the need to ask for forgiveness. I see all those in the southern portion of our country who have lost everything they had, some including the people in their lives whose cups seem totally empty; I see those in Iraq suffering through this travesty of war whose cups seem filled with violence and hate, and I know that I am blessed. I have so much and there are so many who don't even have what they need to survive. I pray that I will be shown a way to share what I have with them. I pray that I will be satisfied with my cup, with what I have, even better, with what I need.

For me, for them, for you, I pray that through the mercy of God, we will find peace.

Preaching

Well, I tried to post this earlier and lost the internet connection, so here I go again.

I have read that St. Francis of Assisi said, "Preach the gospel everyday and if necessary, use words." I find myself wondering if Francis thought words made presenting the gospel easier. I don't.

My daughter has been teaching refugees english, math and life skills to help them integrate into the world of Atlanta and the United States. Part of the life skills class curriculum teaches them to look their supervisors in the eye when talking to them to let the supervisor know they are listening. In the culture they come from, looking a superior in the eye is a form of disrespect and they told B that they could not do that. My daughter did not feel she could continue teaching this because it was making the kids ignore who they were, where they had come from. Some refugee teens had said that after being here for a while, they felt as if they had lost their "soul" because they could not BE themselves and live out their cultural experience here in the states. B did not want to add to this undoing of these kids. She had respect for them and their culture.

It is so easy for us to take into account who people are, their culture and background, when they come from another country. It is even easy to take into consideration the fact that someone may be very young and may not have had the life experiences or education we have had.

It can be very difficult, however, to accept the fact that someone who is older than us, someone who seemingly lives the same life we have lived, may come from a different "place." We expect people who live in America, who eat what we eat, who talk like we do, who attend the same church we do, who have been around longer than we have to be able to understand things we say just because.

What we forget is that people who grew up say 50 years or more ago, grew up with a different perspective than those of us who were born more recently. Life experiences and the attitudes and teachings of those around us have a great influence on our own beliefs and priorities. Living and learning with people who lived and learned themselves from a different age has a major effect on our thought and belief processes.

Scripture shows that Jesus taught and preached through parables using examples from things that those listening could relate to. He spoke in terms of where the people were, not necessarily where he was. This is how people understand the messages we are to preach and teach. It does no good to use examples from quantum physics as examples when talking to me because I would have absolutely no idea what you were talking about. If, however, you spoke in terms of radiology, child rearing, maybe even insurance (on a very limited level), then I could relate and what you were saying would actually mean something to me.

Jesus respected the people he taught and it showed through his speaking. Yes, his messages may have been very difficult for them to swallow, but at least they understood and could relate.

If B can respect the refugee teens and understand that their cultural experience is a valid thing to be taken into consideration when speaking to them, then why do we find it so hard to do the same with people we know and love? No one is the same, no one comes from the same place, has the same life experience, education or beliefs. It makes no difference what the message is or how evident it may seem to you or I. If we don't take into consideration the person we are talking to, the message won't get across and can ultimately make that person feel demeaned, condemed or less of a person.

I am not sure if any of this makes much sense, but I guess that is what a blog is for - just to get things out. If you are reading this, I hope that you take into consideration that these words are mine and come from my life experiences and the culture I was raised in and the culture I currently live in. I hope that you will not reject them as the rantings of an uneducated mother of 2, but instead, let them provoke you to think and hopefully be more considerate of others when you preach and teach.

Peace.

Happiness is...

Happiness is the smile that encompasses the entire body of my 3 month old great nephew!

Evangelism

I am enrolled in a class on Evangelism to begin in August. Having already received the assigned texts, I have started reading, trying to get ahead of the game. I don't know what it is about evangelism, but I approach it with trepidation. I guess I think of the pastor of the church next door to my own who insists that if the church is to have a role in making the neighborhood a better, safer place to live, it is to go door to door preaching the good news - totally different from my own previous pastor who believed in working with the people in our neighborhood to find solutions to the problems we face just living in the same area. The image I have of evangelism is one of a Bible thumping, fire-breathing, holier-than-thou person who KNOWS what the Bible says about everything and KNOWS that I will burn forever in Hell if I don't agree with whatever the Spirit should put into his/her mouth!

I have approached the reading of the first book with the same trepidation. Even the publisher of the book gives me some concern as to the methods that may be introduced within. I hate to admit it, but I formed an opinion about this book before I even opened its cover.

Sure enough, before I complete the 1st chapter, one of the "mega churches" I am slightly familiar with and its method of evangelism is given as an example of true "servant evangelism." As a member of the Church of the Brethren, a denomination which focuses a great deal on the servanthood of Jesus Christ and our call to follow the example he sat for us, I read the material with almost a taste of disgust. I question whether the writers understand the true meaning of the word "servant."

As I finish the third chapter of the book, I remind myself that it represents the opinions of 3 persons. Just because it was chosen as a required text for the class does not mean that the opinions stated are absolute. I also remind myself that even though the writers may not know all there is to know about evangelism and/or servanthood - neither do I. Oh that I may keep reminding myself these things to the end of the book!

Sidebars

Thanks to my 3 blogger buds! I appreciate the responses to my first entry into the world of blogs! I hope that, should you return, you will find some entertaining and perhaps some thought provoking entries here. As far as adding sidebars, well, J - let's see how I do just entering text for now.

Love you all.

Beginning

"From the least to the greatest, all are greedy for gain; prophets and priests alike, all practice deceit. They dress the wound of my people as though it were not serious. "Peace, peace," they say, when there is no peace. Are they ashamed of their loathsome conduct? No, they have no shame at all; they do not even know how to blush." Jeremiah 6:13-15

Jerusalem or America?