Mom's Blog

Mamaw

2012-01-08T15:10:00.003-05:00

For a recent song and story evening at Bethany, Dana Beth suggested I tell stories about Mamaw. I did share a couple and then realized that without writing them down I probably did not do justice to my memory of this beautiful lady. So, in memory of Elizabeth Conley Stiltner....

Imagine if you will a part of Appalachia where in the small gap between 2 mountains there runs a creek, cold and rocky. Alongside the creek a paved road has been cut that is traveled day and night by coal trucks rumbling through, spitting bits of coal here and there as it goes over the uneven patches of pavement, spewing coal dust and exhaust fumes into the air to eventually land coating everything with a layer of black. The mountains’ height and closeness block out much of the sun increasing the dingy, dark feel of the place. Daddy pulls off to the side of the road where a swinging bridge crosses the creek. I get out with my bag of clothes and he tells me to be careful. I hold on to the rope sides of the bridge and gently make my way over the gap that separates paved road from the foot trodden dirt path.

As I make my way up the side of the mountain I pass scattered homes where children play, women hang laundry out to dry and men sit and smoke. Some look up and greet me with a smile or a wave of a hand; some just stare, wondering who I am. As I turn a curve, my eye sees a long dark line stretched across the path ahead. I stop to focus and get a better look. It is a snake. We both freeze. Waiting to see who will make the first move. We stay like that for what seems to be hours when finally a man, carrying groceries in one hand and a walking stick in the other comes up behind me. “Girl, are you ok?” he asks. I slowly raise my hand and point at the snake that has stopped my progress. “Yeah, it’s a copperhead. I killed it on my way down about an hour or so ago,” he responds as he flicks it off the path into the weeds with his stick. Embarrassed by my lack of observation and angry at his not having removed the snake from the path earlier, I continue.

A while later, I come to a place on the path I know very well. I always hesitate right before I get to this place in my walk, take a deep breath and pray that it has not rained recently and the ruts in the middle of the path aren’t filled with mud. If they are I have 2 choices. I can either walk in the weeks on the lower side of the path chancing a snake greeting me there or, I can walk closer to the upper side. It may not sound like too bad of a choice except that on the upper side, there is a split log structure where one of the men living along the path boards a boar. As soon as the boar senses someone near, he begins to snort, squeal and bang up against the walls of his home…walls that I am sure will come tumbling down just as I pass by. Luckily, there is no mud and I run past the frightening animal in his unstable hut.

A bit further on, I come to a point where I can see it…the wide point in the path that signals the site where Mamaw lives. The first thing I can see is her garden. Mamaw has cleared a spot behind her house where she plants beans, potatoes, onions and tomatoes. If it is late summer or fall, I can also see saw horses set out where she will layer slices of apples between 2 layers of screen in order to dry them for dried apple pies. Where the path runs beside her house, there is a stone wall. At the top of the wall Mamaw plants flowers, Johnny jump ups, daisies, violets and more. I often wonder how her garden and flower bed do so well when it always seems so dark here.

Vegetables and bed flowers are not all she has growing. Growing alongside stone steps leading higher up on the mountain to my aunt Stellie and uncle Ott’s house are beautiful rose bushes. Old heritage roses spread their branches out stretching all over the side of the mountain scattering various shades of red and yellow blooms. The roses not only bring beauty to the dark mountain side, they also provide pollen for the bees living in the dozens of bee hives nearby owned by my uncle Ott…bees that always supplied honeycomb to chew and honey for Mamaw’s homemade biscuits or cornbread.

Before I can get to the porch I have to pass the pump house…a small structure seemingly built into the side of the mountain that houses the pump that brings water from the creek to Mamaw’s house. The roof of the pump house is covered with dark tarry shingles and is ground level at the back making for a wonderful oven for mud pies.

I turn toward the house and step up onto the porch. A broad covered porch with a swing on one end and rocking chairs at the other. In the middle is the front door through which I can see Mamaw coming into the living room. There she is, small, thin, hair pulled tightly back into a bun. She shuffles across the floor with her feet in slippers and an apron tied around her waist to protect her dress. Her smile brightens, her hand flies up in the air as she greets me, “W-a-e-l, upon my honor!” She opens the door and takes me into her arms. She feels small and fragile as I wrap my arms around her and I hug her tenderly. I know, though, that this woman is anything but small and anything but fragile.

I spend the week with Mamaw, learning how to knit, creek stomping with cousins, picking daisies for her kitchen table, swinging on the front porch swing reading or listening to the crickets and bees, watching the hummingbirds as they search the roses for nectar. I sleep in the back bedroom and pray for rain at night. It feels so good to go to sleep to the sound of rain on the tin roof all snuggled down into the feather mattress.

If it is winter, Mamaw will have a fire in the coal stove in the living room. It sits in the center of the room, its pipe extending through the roof. While it provided much appreciated heat, the stove was a bit of a scary thing to me. Hot embers could pop out when Mamaw went to stir them and add more coal and just walking around the thing was hazardous when it was hot! It didn’t help my relationship with the beast much when I learned that Mamaw had thrown in some birthday cards and envelopes to burn and afterwards discovered that she had also thrown in cash that someone had placed inside one of the cards.

Mamaw was always doing for others. I tell people she is where I really learned how to be Brethren, though she wasn’t. She always saw good in others and could not figure out why someone would do another harm. I recall when Mamaw would come and stay the winter with us. Daddy and I liked to watch western movies together in the family room downstairs where Mamaw would always have her quilting racks set up with a quilt in progress. Though she wasn’t much for television, she would always end up turning around or even moving to a more comfortable chair to watch with us. When the inevitable shootout would come along, Mamaw would always say, “Now why would he want to do that?!”

I have heard many stories where strangers would pass by Mamaw and Papaw’s home and stop to ask for a drink of water, directions or permission to sleep outside. Mamaw would always fix a full meal, wash their clothes and give them a warm place to sleep. I hear that their hospitality was widely known.

Mamaw’s service extended throughout her family. As a child herself after the death of her mother she scrounged for food and rags with which to clothe her brothers and sisters while her daddy worked. She raised a grandson as her own when he needed a place to be. She took care of grandchildren and great grandchildren when she made her rounds visiting her son and 7 daughters. She stitched the silky binding onto my own daughter’s baby blanket so many times that Dana Beth said no one could do it but Mamaw Stiltner.

Mamaw delighted in her children, grand and great grandchildren. She had 9 of her own and was gladdened with each birth that followed. When at the age 22 I called her to tell her I was pregnant with our first child, she said, “It’s about time!” She loved to cook for the children, to watch them play and always made sure they were cared for. Toward the end of her life, Mamaw experienced some forgetfulness…small things at first but it progressed. When my youngest, Leah, was a few months old, we took a trip to Kentucky to introduce her to the family there. As Leah grew tired, I spread a blanket on the floor and lay her down in hopes she would go to sleep. Leah was so tired, however, that lying down just wasn’t enough and she grew fussier and fussier. Mamaw, sitting nearby, grew agitated and said, “whose baby is that?! Why aren’t they taking care of it?!” She didn’t remember that I had told her just a little bit earlier that this was my baby. All she knew is that this baby wasn’t happy and to her, that just wasn’t right.

One evening in November 1987, Rob’s parents were staying at our house with the girls while we went out. When we got back, his mother told me I had a phone call from my mother about Mamaw. I knew that Mamaw had not been doing too good. She had been in and out of the hospital with pneumonia and had ended up staying with one of my mother’s sisters. For months Mother had gone back and forth to Kentucky to help care for Mamaw, giving her sisters who lived there a much need break from the care giving. I had a feeling the phone call wasn’t a good thing. It wasn’t. Mamaw had died.

For months following Mamaw’s death, I grieved. Rob would wake me up at night saying I was crying and calling out for her. “I want my Mamaw!” I would say. “I know, but she’s gone,” he would reply. One night, I had a dream that Mamaw was talking to me. There she was, larger than life and strong, hair pulled back into a bun, apron over her dress. “Don’t worry about me honey,” she said. “I’m fine now. I am here with your Papaw and God and everything is good. Don’t worry about me. Don’t cry for me anymore.” I awoke from the dream feeling so different from the dreams of her in the past few months. I wasn’t crying for her anymore.

There are many stories her children have told about my mother’s mother, my Mamaw. Some may be stretching the truth a bit, some may be wishful thinking, and some may be nostalgic wonderings. My story about Mamaw, in a nutshell, however, is pure truth. In the dingy darkness of Appalachia, through the dingy, dark times of my life and into what may seem to be a dingy, dark future Elizabeth Conley Stiltner, my Mamaw, brought and continues to bring warmth and light. Whenever I walk across a swinging bridge, eat dried apple pies, work with yarn and needles, hear bees or eat their honey; whenever I smell the sweet scent of roses, care for a child or extend hospitality I remember Mamaw and that sweet, gentle, loving light.

The way you do the things you do

2011-10-19T21:03:00.003-04:00

Motown music, affirmations on theological quandries, playing the ? game with fellow Bethanyarians, driving through showers of orange and gold leaves, dinner with good friends, the privilege of sitting with and holding hands with a beautiful woman in her last hours and holding her husband while he cries and prays for strength, and the anticipation of getting here

The heart tells

2011-08-19T16:25:00.002-04:00

Well, it has hit. It took its dear sweet time, but it has finally arrived. After 3 weeks my heart feels as if it is breaking. Perhaps it is being here at the beach, taking the time to breathe, to rest and relax that has allowed the cool, calm, reasoning facade to crumble. Being here has forced me to let down my guard. It is as if the waves have broken down the stoney resolve surrounding my heart and the gentle breezes have blown all the debris away.

Now I am left with a heart that feels very raw. Each notification I receive of another need, another concern brings tears to my eyes and an ache deep inside. How can people do this time and time again? How can I?

What's going on?

2011-08-09T23:30:00.002-04:00

"I thought if I didn't hear laughter you all weren't here," said the one who came late. Unfortunately there was not much laughter for her to hear. Instead our lunch was filled with statements such as:

"I have a voice! I want to use it!"
"We have to support one another!"
"There are forces at work right here!"

Instead of humor, it was words of anger, fear, pain and need that were heard most. Instead of speaking through the laughter, we were speaking through the tears. Tears for others and tears for ourselves. Tears for what was, what is and what could be.

What is our focus though? Is it on the obstacles? Where are we placing our energies? Is it in complaining and angry words? The things blocking the way to peace cannot be ignored any more than the anger and hurt they bring to our souls. I can't help but believe, however, that if we focus on what we are called to do, to be; if we look to the One who calls us from the beginning, then the answers of peace will come.

But me, I'm not giving up. I'm sticking around to see what God will do.I'm waiting for God to make things right. I'm counting on God to listen to me. (Micah 7:7 The Message)

Peace be still and know

2011-08-07T16:20:00.004-04:00

I sit here in my home office looking at the piles of books for classes yet to start, boxes yet to be unpacked from Cloverdale and classwork to be filed away. It is a mess. Then my eyes look up to the posters on the wall directly in front of me.

He Qi's Calling Disciples

and Peace Be Still

What beautiful reminders of why I have this office in the first place and what it is I am supposed to do here.

The Trouble with Epiphanies

2011-05-26T12:21:00.002-04:00

Christ came into my room and stood there
And I was bored to death.
I had work to do.
I wouldn't have minded if he'd been crippled or something
- I do well with cripples -
but he just stood there, all face
and with that damned guitar.
I didn't ask him to sit down;
He'd have stayed all day.
Let's be honest. You can be crucified just so often -
Then you've had it.
I mean you're useless; no good to God,
Let alone to anybody else.
So I said to him after a while,
Well, what's up? What do you want?
And he laughed, stupid,
Said he was just passing by
And thought he'd say hello.
Great, I said, Hello
So he left.
And I was so damned mad
I couldn't even listen to the radio. I went
And got some coffee.
The trouble with Christ is
He always comes at the wrong time.

--John L'Heureux, quoted in Monk Habits for Ordinary People: Benedictine Spirituality for Protestants by Dennis Ockholm

I'm getting old

2011-03-03T23:11:00.006-05:00

As we drive, we discuss work, family, church. We catch up on common acquaintances. We share common motherhood experiences. We talk about recent and upcoming graduates, students in seminary...then she says, "Wow! Those are kids I worked with at NYC and in youth activities! I feel so old!" Hmmmm...SHE is one of the kids I worked with at NYC and in youth activities...

I feel so old.

Color my world with hope

2011-02-22T19:37:00.003-05:00

a quiet office in which to work, actually being able to complete a task, smiles and hugs from the little-bits from Day Care, Kenny's tilted but shiny halo, knowing that I have a safe place to go at night...and for some reason, this song

As time goes on
I realize
Just what you mean
To me
And now
Now that you're near
Promise your love
That I've waited to share
And dreams
Of our moments together
Color my world with hope of loving you
- Chicago

Listen...

2010-11-01T11:35:00.002-04:00

Listen...why is it so difficult for some to do? A specific question, a specific topic...just listen. If you don't listen when other people ask questions, when you see their faces and hear their voices, how do you expect to hear God...who you cannot see and whose voice comes in many ways? Why should others take your responses seriously when you don't listen to their questions?

I really don't understand. Is it fear? Is it a need to be right? Whatever it is, it certainly is not what I imagine God's church to be.

Summer breeze makes me feel fine...

2010-08-02T22:38:00.003-04:00

Funny how things you have done over and over again can seem so different. I have been coming to the beach with the Cassells for almost 30 years now but this time, well it is different.

The anticipation welling up inside me came bursting out in the car, "ROB!" "Yeah?" "WE ARE GOING TO THE BEACH!!!"

This morning I put my hands on Bobby's shoulders and shook him as gently as my excitement would allow, "Bobby!" "Yeah?" "WE ARE AT THE BEACH!!!"

My excitement turns to complete satisfaction as I expend my energy in the waves...then I lay on the sand feeling the heat of the earth seep into my bones. Such a pleasant heat. I love that feeling. So different from any other kind of heat. It feels as if Mother Earth is reaching out to ease my tired achy muscles and warm the very marrow of my bones.

I have work to do: a sermon to write, a worship service to plan, a letter to type, a decision to make, but that's ok because....

I'M AT THE BEACH!!!!!

Art Gish (1939-2010)

2010-07-30T10:05:00.004-04:00

All of Hebron was under total curfew today. I could sense something was wrong. As I walked up the street I soon realized there was trouble at Al Manara. I was horrified at what I saw. There were two tanks and two bulldozers leveling the produce market which extended over two blocks. Produce lay scattered and smashed everywhere, here in this city where many are hungry. Shop owners were scrambling to save boxes of tomatoes, oranges, bananas, and more.

My first response was to just stand there, weeping and sobbing. The scene was so horrifying, so disgusting, so depraved. I could not emotionally bear it. I felt completely helpless.

Soldiers near Lutheran christmas churchDec 4, 02. The produce market was at Al Manara because the Israeli military closed the former produce market in response to the massacre of Muslims in the Ibrihimi Mosque in 1994. In every peace accord since then, Israel has promised to reopen the market. It has never been reopened. Israeli settlers now live in that building.
I continued to feel helpless, but I also felt I had to do something. I started carrying boxes of produce out of the way of the bulldozers. I saved maybe 12 crates of produce from being crushed.

I began confronting soldiers. In a loud voice, I asked them if they were proud of what they were doing, if this is peace, if this is what they want Israel to become. I shouted, "Baruch hashem Adonai" (Blessed be the name of the Lord).

The soldiers tried their best to ignore me, but I am sure they heard me. I ignored their commands for me to leave. One soldier spit at me, so I walked right up to him and invited him to spit on me. He declined the offer.

Three soldiers aimed their guns at and moved toward a group of Palestinian bystanders. It looked to me like they were going to shoot. I quickly jumped in front of the soldiers, raised my hands in the air and shouted, "Shoot me, shoot me, go ahead and shoot me." The soldiers immediately left.

A tank came roaring toward me, its big gun barrel aimed at me. I raised my hands in the air in prayer, and shouted, "Shoot, shoot, Baruch hashem adonai." The tank stopped within inches of me.

I then knelt in the street in prayer, with my hands raised. I felt alone, weak, helpless. I could only cry out to God.

Later this afternoon I went back to Al Manara and watched shop owners dig through the huge piles of rubble, trying to salvage what they could. What could I say?
The Israeli military had put all of Hebron under total curfew today, saying they were looking for terrorists. Now I wonder if there really were terrorists hidden among the apples and oranges. Or, are the Israeli soldiers committing acts of terrorism against the civilian population of Hebron?

I fear for what may come next.

http://mideastchristians.virtualactivism.net/articles/amongapples.htm

VBS music

2010-07-29T09:50:00.003-04:00

Ancient words, ever true
changing me, changing you
We have come with open hearts
Oh, let the ancient words impart

It happens

2010-07-27T13:22:00.003-04:00

Sunday I became overwhelmed with the sadness of those around me. Heartache, grief, pain, confusion, aging, violence, loss, fear. There was just so much. It happens like that sometimes.

Last night I became overwhelmed with the energy of those around me. Uninhibited preschoolers in the chancel dancing and signing with the music video, elementary kids sharing their vast knowledge, those about to enter Middle School trying to look cool and have fun at the same time...and the adults...dancing, signing, singing, tired after a full day of work and yet still able to minister to kids. There was just so much. It happens like that sometimes.

Turn, turn, turn

2010-06-29T20:27:00.002-04:00

"To everything there is a time and a purpose under heaven."

Now is a time for prayer...a time for sitting with God and listening. It is a time to not worry about what to do, but a time to wait and trust. Seems like I went through this not too long ago, yet, here I am again.

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven
A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven
A time to build up,a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven
A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven
A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it's not too late

The Byrds

Sheltering Trees

2010-06-22T10:35:00.002-04:00

3 years ago this fall, I received a phone call that literally took me to my knees. I had been taking classes for quite a while not really knowing what I was to do with the knowledge, and then the call came to serve as Asst. Pastor at Cloverdale.

The past 3 years have been exciting, educational, emotional and right. Whenever anyone has asked me how things were, I would say, "It is right." And it has been. I have really felt as if this is where I have needed to be. Time moves on, however, and we don't stay in the same place of life forever.

Nor do we see things as others see them. "Ever since you have been at Cloverdale, I have watched you struggle. My prayer for you has been that you would be able to minister in a place where you could relax and enjoy it; where your spiritual health could be nourished."

The insight of friends never ceases to amaze me.

Here I am trying to help this congregation through the changes headed its way, seeing possibilities beyond its current vision limits and someone is doing the same thing for me.

Today's song:

It's been said a friend is like a mighty sheltering tree
A place of refuge we can run when trouble comes for you and me
Someone we can count on through the thick and thin
When the storms of life are blowing, there's just nothing like a friend
(There's just nothing like a friend)

We all need sheltering trees
Friends in our lives who'll get down on their knees
And lift us up before the king of kings
We all need sheltering trees

There've been days that i was sure that i couldn't make it through
Clouds of doubt came rolling in and i didn't know what i would do
I would've given in and said i just can't go on
If it hadn't been for a friend that helped me to be strong
(Helped me to be strong)

You can face the highest mountain andthe climb won't feel so high
Or cross the darkest valley and it won't seem so wide
Nothing is impossible when a friend is by your side

(Newsong)

Today's Song

2010-04-16T10:06:00.001-04:00

Hey Jude don't make it bad,
Take a sad song and make it better,
Remember, to let her into your heart,
Then you can start to make it better.

Hey Jude don't be afraid,
You were made to go out and get her,
The minute you let her under your skin,
Then you begin to make it better.

And anytime you feel the pain, Hey Jude refrain,
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders.
For well you know that it's a fool, Who plays it cool,
By making his world a little colder.

Hey Jude don't let me down,
You have found her now go and get her,
Remember (Hey Jude) to let her into your heart,
Then you can start to make it better.

So let it out and let it in
Hey Jude begin,
You're waiting for someone to perform with.

And don't you know that it's just you.
Hey Jude, you'll do,
The movement you need is on your shoulder.

Hey Jude, don't make it bad,
Take a sad song and make it better,
Remember to let her under your skin,
Then you'll begin to make it all better

Hey Jude (Beatles)

I am tired, I am weak, I am worn

2010-04-08T09:51:00.002-04:00

Glenn is out of town. The usual happens. 12 hour days of funerals, hospital visits, grieving with a tired elderly gentleman when his wife dies, worship planning, sermon writing, NYC planning, wedding planning, commission and board meetings..... When I finally get home, I am bone tired and yet I cannot go to sleep. My house is a pile of laundry and dirty dishes. Questions fill my mind and heart as to whether I could actually do this on a long-term basis.

Then I get a phone call. "She was actually livelier after your visit. She said if she had a pastor like you she would really like to go to church. This old mother's heart was so happy!"

My eyes are drawn to the picture of the first wedding I officiated.

Another phone call...someone from the congregation has a gift for me. I look around the office at other gifts.

I am still bone tired, but...can I not do it?

I'ts gonna be a big one!

2010-03-04T08:43:00.003-05:00

I feel as if I am in the midst of one of the recent earthquakes that have shaken the world. My prayer is that the result is not one of complete destruction. The feeling that something is about to happen seems to have taken over my being. There are many things that could happen, but I am not sure any one in particular is causing this rattling within my being. As seen in regard to the earthquakes, it is best to be prepared for such an event. Some, however, do not have the infrastructure required to be prepared. Question...do I?

things that make for peace...

2010-02-03T13:05:00.004-05:00

I sit on the sand and hear the sound of waves gently lapping on the shore; low, gentle, calm voices sharing, loving; the songs of birds resting in the branches. I feel the warmth of the sun, not only on my skin, but deep within my very bones; the gentle breeze blowing softly.

Then I come back. No longer am I lulled and comforted by the water, sun and breeze. No longer am I feeling peaceful, relaxed, restored.

Instead I hear the sound of angry voices accusing, fighting for power; restless beings pushing and pulling, taking and definitely not loving. The songs I hear are battle calls. The air I feel is chilled with the tension and gusts of conflict and I feel myself being drawn into the throng.

I want to go back.

Figuring it out

2009-12-28T10:04:00.003-05:00

A coil and ring puzzle was passed on to me for my attempt at solving it. As I looked at it, I knew it could not be solved in its current state. Something had to change. As I pondered the possibilities, I realized there was only one and it required a slight bit of force. I hesitated...do I exert the force and risk damaging something that did not belong to me? Though it was only a couple of pieces of heavy wire, it brought memories of a long lost father to the owner. Did I want to risk causing irreparable harm? Encouraged by a trusted smile and wink, I did. I took the risk and though it initially caused me some confusion, with more encouragement, I solved the puzzle.

A problem.
A needed change.
Hesitation. Concerns about what if.
Encouragement.
Confusion.
Encouragement.
Success.

Hmmmmm.

Now that's a lot of work

2009-11-23T10:18:00.003-05:00

"K, I need a place to hang my work clothes." - easy
"Mom, I need a curtain for my bathroom." - easy
"Mom, I need a tablecloth." - easy
"Karen, I need some more medicine." - easy
"We need someone to provide a program for the Women's meeting." - easy
" I need you to work up the order of worship." - easy
" We need some new Sunday School curriculum." - easy

"We need a community where we can share questions, learn together, support one another, serve together...where we can be the church." - now that's not so easy

It is so easy to serve others when the thing needed is something I can just give or do. Helping others to work toward something can be much harder. Especially when they expect it to be just as easy.

Soulshine...

2009-11-05T12:04:00.002-05:00

When you can't find the light,
That got you through the cloudy days,
When the stars ain't shinin' bright,
You feel like you've lost you're way,

When those candle lights of home,
Burn so very far away,
Well you got to let your soul shine,
Just like my daddy used to say.

[Chorus] He used to say soulshine,
It's better than sunshine,
It's better than moonshine,
Damn sure better than rain.

Hey now people don't mind,
We all get this way sometime,
Got to let your soul shine, shine till the break of day.
I grew up thinkin' that I had it made,
Gonna make it on my own.

Life can take the strongest man,
Make him feel so alone.
Now and then I feel a cold wind,
Blowin' through my achin' bones,
I think back to what my daddy said,
He said "Boy, in the darkness before the dawn:"

[Chorus] Let your soul shine,
It's better than sunshine,
It's better than moonshine,
Damn sure better than rain.

Yeah now people don't mind,
We all get this way sometimes,
Gotta let your soul shine, shine till the break of day.

Sometimes a man can feel this emptiness,
Like a woman has robbed him of his very soul.
A woman too, God knows, she can feel like this.
And when your world seems cold, you got to let your spirit take control.

[Chorus] Let your soul shine,
It's better than sunshine,
It's better than moonshine,
Damn sure better than rain.

Lord now people don't mind,
We all get this way sometimes,
Gotta let your soul shine, shine till the break of day.

Oh, it's better than sunshine,
It's better than moonshine,
Damn sure better than rain.
Yeah now people don't mind,
We all get this way sometimes,
Gotta let your soul shine, shine till the break of day.

The Allman Brothers

An evening at the Kidd's

2009-07-27T08:18:00.002-04:00

"I really think that if I had stopped at those Methodist learnings when I was 8, I would be much better off."

"Would you like to go pick blueberries with us early in the morning?"
(answer...sarcastically) "Of course...that's my favorite time of day."

Story..."The boys asked one evening, "Have you ever wished you had had an affair?" He looked at them and said, "Well your mother and I discussed it, then, she told me that if I ever did, she would kill me." And those boys believed him! They believe everythig he tells them! Me who catches bugs in the house and takes them outside! The one who takes in every stray cat she finds! They think I would really kill their father!"

Drunken despondant 25 yr old sailor..."Besides fixing your fence that I drove through, nothing else matters...I don't matter."
Walter's response..."You do matter."

"...do you believe that God called you to Cloverdale?"...............Yes.

My eyes see, my heart swells, my mind wonders

2009-07-12T20:18:00.002-04:00

Today's Song...

2009-06-16T13:47:00.002-04:00

Every night I say a prayer in the hope that there's a heaven
And every day I'm more confused as the saints turn into sinners
All the heroes and legends I knew as a child have fallen to idols of clay
And I feel this empty place inside so afraid that I've lost my faith

Show me the way, show me the way
Take me tonight to the river
And wash my illusions away
Show me the way

And as I slowly drift to sleep, for a moment dreams are sacred
I close my eyes and know there's peace in a world so filled with hatred
That I wake up each morning and turn on the news to find we've so far to go
And I keep on hoping for a sign, so afraid that I just won't know

Show me the way,
Show me the way
Take me tonight to the mountain
And wash my confusion away
And if I feel light, should I believe
Tell me how will I know

Show me the way, show me the way
Take me tonight to the river
And wash my illusions away
Show me the way, show me the way

Give me the strength and the courage
To believe that I'll get there someday
Show me the way

Every night I say a prayer
In the hope that there's a heaven...

(Styx - Dennis DeYoung)

Reframing

2009-06-16T13:31:00.003-04:00

I'm thinking about this word a lot lately. Mainly because we discussed it in my last Bethany class in connection with leadership, power, understanding situations, WIGIAT (Where is God in all this?), "What is really happening?," "Where do I come into the picture?"

I thought my short-term employment record may have come to a halt, but now, I'm not sure. As I reframe the past, I am now having to consider reframing the present.

So, what will the decision be...an alltogether new frame or one that's been used before - one that probably doesn't fit the new picture?

Do, Do, Do, Lookin' Out My Back Door

2009-05-31T19:27:00.003-04:00

2 weeks...I thought that wouldn't be so bad...I could handle that...especially with a great housemate like Jen! Then...no sleep for 4 nights because I was so in tune with my pregnant friend across the hall who was so uncomfortable...spending an afternoon in the doctor's office with her...getting up at 4am to take her to the airport so she could go home...then...an entire week alone. Homesickness set in. I was ready to come home.

Then...the classmate from Rwanda speaks of his travels home after 3 years at Bethany. The new friend from Nigeria speaks of beginning his 3 years away from home. I feel guilty.

Then...the familiar mountains of Virginia come into view, the New River catches my eye, signs of Hokies begin to surface, the home Rob and I built together, Rob, the blooming Mountain Laurel, lilies and Morning Primrose in my back yard, my bed! my pillow! Cloverdale Church of the Brethren, "Welcome home!" "We missed you!" "So glad you're back!" "I hope it was a great class!" "Do you have all the answers now?"

I still feel a little bad that I could only take 2 weeks when others give up years, but still...I am ready to be home.

Eva Grace Stultz

2009-05-12T08:13:00.002-04:00

Welcome little one.

Instruments

2009-05-04T11:38:00.008-04:00

The instrument sits, silent

The keys untouched

The pedals still

The mechanisms created within

Meant to produce

Cannot do so alone

The master's touch

Soft and easy

Put all into use

The once silent instrument

Now brings sounds of beauty

Simple yet soothing

Those who hear

Are lulled by the sound

And the instrument

Is brought to life

"he will be an instrument for noble purposes,

made holy, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work."

2 Timothy 2:21

Let the sun illuminate the words that you cannot find...

2009-04-16T09:17:00.005-04:00

After several various failed attempts, I have decided that there are just some images that are not meant to be photographic...instead, they are to be experienced, enjoyed ...lived.

I do wish I could share the one I am living right now.

Sitting at my dining room table, surrounded by Granny Etta's chairs, china hutch filled with her dishes, Buck and Papaw's watches, Daddy's compass and Case knife, Mommy Belcher's and Granny Shaver's glassware;

the hutch that Max made filled with more memorabilia, including the miniature framed drawing Leah did of our last house and a jar full of marbles;

the photograph of my girls sitting side by side overlooking the fog covered Pacific Ocean;

the morning sun shining through the tall trees, casting long narrow shadows on the spring green grass;

shining through the tall windows upon peace plants received at Daddy's and Mommy Belcher's funerals;

the sound of birds sharing their songs;

the squirrels scampering about;

the buds on the dogwood tree almost ready to burst open and the redbud's purple hue;

the quiet of the house;

the peace it all brings to me.

Today's Song

2009-04-13T10:13:00.003-04:00

thanks to B...

you think you`ll find some mountains in western colorado
fifty weeks of snowy peaks is where you`re gonna be
but babe the rocky mountains are gradually eroding
the hills of coors are nothing more than blue ridge wannabes

a turkey on it`s belly
a chicken on it`s back
anyway you look at it you`ll find her on the map
she revels in the seasons
shakes hands with the north
hugs the land of dixie while dancing on the porch

you think that autumns in new england
are the greatest of them all
but give me sweet virginia for the fireworks of fall
the prettiest october in all the fifty states
just drive up to the skyline park the car and wait

so grow up colorado
excuse me tennessee
if you don`t mind, north caroline
here`s where i want to be

(chorus)
when you`re talking home you mean the old dominion
just southeast of heaven to the surf and the hills
she`s the best of thirteen sisters
and thirty seven more
sweet sweet virginia always keeps an open door

they`re fiddlin` in galax
pickin` up in floyd
and in the land of patsy cline
they`re songs you can`t avoid

when you`re walking back after midnight
i`ll fall to pieces, too
i`m crazy back in baby`s arms with sweet dreams of you

they`re sailing down in norfolk
skiing up in bryce
climbing up the devil`s stairs against the ranger`s advice

they`re harvesting in loudoun to shenandoah winds
and in the land near washington they`re rooting for the `skins
fight for old d.c.

so grow up colorado
excuse me tennesse
if you don`t mind, north caroline
here`s where i want to be

(chorus)
pack up your impala
and make your move out west
past the blue ridge mountains you`ll find you passed the best
and when your dreams have ended
where mountains are concerned
me and sweet virginia will await for your return

(Eddie from Ohio)

Today's Song

2009-02-04T10:06:00.002-05:00

http://youtube.com/watch?v=AratTMGrHaQ

Ill-matched threads

2009-01-30T15:29:00.010-05:00

She who reconciles the ill-matched threads of her life,

and weaves them gratefully into a single cloth -

it's she who drives the loudmouths from the hall

and clears it for a different celebration

where the one guest is you.

In the softness of evening it's you she receives.

You are the partner of her loneliness,

the unspeaking center of her monologues,

With each disclosure you encompass more

and she stretches beyond what limits her,

to hold you

(Rilke)

passive activism

2009-01-14T16:56:00.002-05:00

california sunshine, rocky shores with crashing waves, puffs of air and water from whale blow holes, women who love God and are attempting to serve God here in this place, knowing there are others who are in a love/hate relationship with the church, open windows, hearing questions, pondering

A good day off

2009-01-08T20:41:00.016-05:00

(thanks to Jen and Mary for the pix)

clean sheets, new toothbrushes, clearing space, time with the great kidlets (Eric, Alec, Annika & Rebekka), finishing a shawl, California dreamin', hershey's peppermint kisses, peas and carrots, watching paperwhites and amaryllis grow and bloom, im-ing with JA who is far, far away, feeling like I should get a smiley sticker on my paper, sounding healthy, taking time to breathe

Between a rock and a hard place?

2009-01-02T11:06:00.010-05:00

I read somewhere that what you do on New Year's Day is what you will end up doing all year long. Hmmm...

Rob, B and I decided to begin the year with a hike. We let B choose. She chose to hike to a place called "Devil's Marbleyard, described on Roanoke.com as having a "Gottasee factor" of 3.5 (0 - 4) and a "Gottabreathe factor" of 2.5 (0 - 4). Did we make a mistake letting her choose?

With Mannheim Steamroller providing the background music, the sun shone warm through the windows, lulling me into a peaceful relaxed state. What a nice day to be out. Ahhhhh. We parked the car at the "well marked lot," crossed a lovely wooden bridge and headed into the wilderness. The trees, the fallen leaves, the cold crisp air, the sunshine, the company. Ahhhhh.

It didn't take too long, however, before my "ahhhh's" became "ugh's." The trail was rocky. The rocks were covered with leaves. The leaves were wet. 3 water crossings - again, with wet leaf-covered rocks. After maybe a mile, we pass a young woman who responds to our "how much further?" with, "Oh, maybe a half a mile...and it gets steeper."

We finally reach our destination. A huge field of boulders - really BIG boulders. It reminds me of watching a child play with a toy dump truck. Fill 'er up, then dump it out. Except this was some dump truck! Rob's first comment was, "We are NOT going to climb on those!" Yeah, right. Up B goes. We sat there and ate our lunch with the view of those amazing boulders before us and the sound of melting icicles around us. Awesome.

For some, it would not have been a difficult trek at all. For others, like Rob and myself, it was a little strenuous considering our age, physiques and lack of experience. What it ended up being, at least for me, was proof that I could do it and it felt good afterward. If it is true, that what you do on New Year's day is what you end up doing all year long, then I will be working hard to see some awesome displays of God's handiwork, will indeed see them and will feel fulfilled, accomplished and blessed for the effort.

This day

2008-12-29T15:48:00.002-05:00

a clean desk, newly painted walls and lovely artwork to put on them, being able to hear the Daddy song and not cry, doves being released in remembrance of a life lived into a clear, crisp winter sky, welcoming new and old friends into my home

Just a few "of my favorite things"

2008-12-17T14:06:00.002-05:00

Once again, I am playing "catch-up"...

good friends, "hip" aunts, medical advancements, worship planning, understanding and supportive family and congregations, Dr. Pepper, clean sofa covers and pillows, seeing "you rock!" on my office door, class-mates who share, tires that do not blow, cats and dogs that simply lay their heads on your leg as if to say, "It's ok, I still love you," Christmas cookies, beach weddings, sunshine, generosity, hearts and hands that serve, intercoms that work, secure Internet, yarn on sale (not just "for" sale, rob), quiet, communication

Today's Song

2008-12-16T08:12:00.000-05:00

I have traveled many moonless nights,
Cold and weary with a babe inside,
And I wonder what I've done.
Holy father you have come,
And chosen me now to carry your son.

I am waiting in a silent prayer.
I am frightened by the load I bear.
In a world as cold as stone,
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now.
Be with me now.

Breath of heaven,
Hold me together,
Be forever near me,
Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven,
Lighten my darkness,
Pour over me your holiness,
For you are holy.
Breath of heaven.

Do you wonder as you watch my face,
If a wiser one should have had my place,
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan.
Help me be strong.
Help me be.
Help me.

Breath of heaven,
Hold me together,
Be forever near me,
Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven,
Lighten my darkness,
Pour over me your holiness,
For you are holy.

Breath of heaven,
Hold me together,
Be forever near me,
Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven,
Lighten my darkness,
Pour over me your holiness,
For you are holy.
Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven.

memories of daddy

2008-10-25T08:05:00.003-04:00

being drug by the sled all the way down the hill because you were afraid to let me go by myself
coming to watch me cheer
teaching me how to throw a football
taking me to work and letting me draw on the maps with the grease pencil
challenging me to ride the "big bike"
getting center court tickets for the Globetrotters
letting me wash the top of the truck
taking me with you on errands in that truck
not yelling when i wrecked "polly" twice or when i ran that red light while you were watching
rocking me until you thought i was asleep then carrying me to bed
sitting on the floor of my bedroom with me and convincing me not to run away from home
kissing me at my wedding
knowing that i was one of your "girls"
sharing birthday cakes
visiting your old buddies in Ky and you calling me your "baby"
when you told me your deepest and darkest moments
taking me to the hospital while i held a steak on my eye
and many, many more

happy birthday daddy, i miss you and love you

Oh, for a nice boring day

2008-10-11T09:23:00.002-04:00

Michael (jokingly): "Some people live from one disaster to another. That's you!"

Yesterday was most definitely an eventful day and not one I want to repeat. Now that the sun is up and the birds are singing a new day, I can look at the events from a new perspective.

finding that there are times when emergency rooms are not cram-packed full in Salem
VA nurses, doctors and other medical staff who can be kind, gentle and understanding after having worked a full shift already
clear CT scans
experiencing Michael's belief that "drugs are our friends"
compassionate and dedicated pastors
the sound of laughter, prayer and I love you's from hospice staff
family who trusts you
experiencing the kindness and compassion of strangers - even those affected by your own negligence
airbags that do not work (yes, that's right, I said "do not")
people who seem to know what you need - those that know you and those that do not
gentle police officers
a husband who can be calm and friendly to others while I am a complete mess
a daughter who says, "I haven't driven that car in over a year, Mom. Isn't that the rule you use for getting rid of things anyway?"
friends who can sit and listen, talk and laugh and just make me smile once again

OMG

2008-10-09T21:26:00.003-04:00

A post from a fellow Bethany student concerning his current ministry:

"if i stay, will i go insane the next time i see an "i'm glad i'm white" bumper sticker?"

Blest be the tie that binds

2008-10-05T21:25:00.003-04:00

Today I learned that spiritual disciplines, alone and with others, are always a good thing. Examination. Servanthood. Agape. Communion. Fellowship. Prayer. Meditation.

Love Feast "reminds me of who I am." (SB)

walks with Rob, sitting in the courtyard with JC, Guy's earnest desire, Michael's southern gentleman ways of speaking his mind, seeing love in the eyes of those I have also come to love, words of assurance, Sue's gentle way of bringing me back to reality, Dava's, "I know exactly what you mean, Sister!" looks, realizing that I still need Wendy's on Sunday, hearing others voice appreciation and that needs are being met through those terrible "different ways"

(note to self: quite a long list for such an "irritating" day, huh?)

Today's Song

2008-09-09T21:18:00.000-04:00

From the day we arrive on the planet

And blinking, step into the sun

There's more to be seen than can ever be seen

More to do than can ever be done

Some say eat or be eaten

Some say live and let live

But all are agreed as they join the stampede

You should never take more than you give

In the circle of life

It's the wheel of fortune

It's the leap of faith

It's the band of hope

Till we find our place

On the path unwinding

In the circle, the circle of life

Some of us fall by the wayside

And some of us soar to the stars

And some of us sail through our troubles

And some have to live with the scars

There's far too much to take in here

More to find than can ever be found

But the sun rolling high through the sapphire sky

Keeps great and small on the endless round

Elton John - Circle of Life

Touch

2008-09-09T21:13:00.002-04:00

Last night I held a woman while she mourned over the death of her mother.
Today I held a woman as she celebrated the life growing within her.

Listen...What do you hear?

2008-09-08T12:33:00.002-04:00

My last entry was a lament on the lack of communication skills within the human race. I found, however, that with some assistance, we can communicate! Saturday my congregation had an all-church planning retreat. With the use of Lectio Divina, we strived to discern a focus for the ministries of our community. I was very impressed and encouraged by the thoughts and feelings the scripture released in those present. Some voiced their opinion that it was the best planning retreat they could remember for this congregation.

Who knows, maybe if we allow the Spirit to guide us more often, that whole communication problem will fade away. I know I need to consider it.

That day about three thousand took him at his word, were baptized and were signed up. They committed themselves to the teaching of the apostles, the life together, the common meal, and the prayers. Everyone around was in awe—all those wonders and signs done through the apostles! And all the believers lived in a wonderful harmony, holding everything in common. They sold whatever they owned and pooled their resources so that each person's need was met. They followed a daily discipline of worship in the Temple followed by meals at home, every meal a celebration, exuberant and joyful, as they praised God. People in general liked what they saw. Every day their number grew as God added those who were saved.

Acts 2:42-47 (Message)

Blah, Blah, Blah

2008-08-08T09:56:00.001-04:00

One of the most important aspects of participating in a community is the ability to communicate. Why is it then, that we are so lacking in that ability?

Fragmentation

2008-08-03T22:16:00.003-04:00

Not for the first time I looked at the sand beneath my feet. Millions of tiny bits and pieces of shell making up the beach on which I walk. Fragments of lives that are either no more, or have moved on to "bigger and better."

These shell fragments always remind me of the fragments of our lives that we leave behind - whether we are no more, or like some of those sea creatures, have moved on. Wherever we go, whomever we interact with, we always leave bits and pieces of ourselves behind. Some of those bits are positive and some are negative. Some of those pieces are large and some, well, may be miniscule.

We don't think about that much. The fact that we always leave a bit of ourselves behind. I believe we do though, even in today's seemingly isolated society. Nor do we think about the bits and pieces of others who are no longer with us - unless, of course, they play a prominent role in our lives. Then, it seems as if we pick and choose between those bits - like shell hunting. We sometimes push aside those miniscule bits in our efforts to fine the best pieces to claim as our own - the biggest, the prettiest, the ones that seem to be the most whole.

What about those parts left behind that are not so pretty? Those that are not "whole?" They too are to be recognized and respected for what they are. If it were not for those miniscule sometimes obscure and not so pretty bits and pieces, we would not have that wonderful beach to walk on and enjoy.

Today's song

2008-08-02T07:57:00.001-04:00

It has been a while...

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always makes me high

If I had a day that I could give you
I'd give to you a day just like today
If I had a song that I could sing for you
I'd sing a song to make you feel this way

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always makes me high

If I had a tale that I could tell you
I'd tell a tale sure to make you smile
If I had a wish that I could wish for you
I'd make a wish for sunshine all the while

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always makes me high
Sunshine almost all the time makes me high
Sunshine almost always

God speed

2008-07-29T21:49:00.002-04:00

20 years ago Karen Hutchins came into the Sunday School class I was teaching. "I'll make you a deal," she said. "The same deal I've made with Freddy's other teachers. If you don't believe anything he says about me, I won't believe anything he says about you."

Freddy was a very cute little boy who loved to talk, and talk, and talk. He was the apple of his grandfather's eye and recently the Most Eligible Bachelor in Roanoke.

My heart aches for this little one and those he leaves behind.

New River

2008-07-23T17:26:00.001-04:00

Appalachian Morning

2008-07-23T17:19:00.001-04:00

By the manner of their living?

2008-07-11T22:27:00.003-04:00

Over 5000 are expected at this "family reunion." And, yes, that's what it seems like to me. Just like a family reunion, there are those kin folk you love to see, those you are surprised to see and some you really just try to not have to spend too much time with. And, just like a family reunion, there are memories shared, futures examined and beliefs considered.

One thing I have learned at both is that Rob is absolutely right..."Everybody's different."

Then again, being "different" is no excuse for rudeness, bossyness or condescention.

Then again, isn't being different what the Church of the Brethren is supposed to be known for?

If so, different from what? I always thought it was "different from the world," but at times, I really can't see much difference.

The body of Christ...

2008-07-09T21:35:00.002-04:00

Home again after a few days in the land of kudzoo, coal trucks and double-wides. Funny how things turn around on you. After feeling that my entire description of life in the area where I was born depicted such a negative picture, I ended up, not explaining, not even defending, but trying to get others to accept it.

For evening devo's I decided to do my Bisquick communion. It would have been perfect too...if everyone hadn't been so gosh darn different! I gave each person a cup with a small amount of Bisquick in it and asked them to add a small amount of the liquid of their choice. I explained that the end result should be about the consistancy of cake batter. Too bad not everyone's image of cake batter is the same. Some were so thick they wouldn't pour out of the cup and others were pure liquid! Into the cake pan they all went, however, then into the oven. After a much longer time than expected, the mixture finally took on a somewhat brownish and spotty cake-like appearance. When dumped out onto a plate...well let's just say that it was not the perfect loaf of communion bread. Trying to break and serve this lump of oooey-gooey, half-baked stuff was a chore, but we did it.

After everyone had taken communion, it hit me! This was probably the worst tasting and worst looking communion bread they had ever had. Definitely not what some would consider "proper." It was a complete mess. But then, so is life. Our purpose was not to judge those we were there to serve. Our purpose was not to pry into the "stories." Instead, our purpose was to be in communion with God's children who needed our help at this specific time, in this specific place. We were not "Brethren to the Rescue!" We were brothers and sisters extending a hand to one another.

Are you really paying for the car in front of you too?

2008-07-07T19:32:00.004-04:00

Thought I was going to get off easy today. Take fresh water to job sites, maybe help hang some drywall. But no. Pulling up floors, piling up old moldy, ratty insulation and pushing new insulation through a hole. That's what I got to do. Margaret, the lady who owned the house seemed quite upset when she saw all we were doing and how difficult it seemed. Another advisor, Sarah, told her, "Well, it has got to be done and we're here." Margaret was so appreciative. In the midst of the hauling, prybarring and sweating, the lovely lady offerred us some hot coffee. Instead, we headed to Wendy's for milkshakes, floats and Frosty's. That vanilla milkshake was one of the best ever! What was it that made it and the "breakfast for dinner" so delicious? I think it was satisfaction and exhaustion from a job well done.

It is not pronounced "holl-ow"

2008-07-07T09:47:00.002-04:00

Here I am back in the hollers of Kentuck. They asked me to share a little about the area and my personal experience with it. I really didn't realize just how negative my thoughts were until I heard myself speak. During our introductions, Sharon asked us to share one expectation we had for the week. Without thinking, I said I wanted to come here and work with a different attitude. This morning, driving a group to their worksite, I could hear the birds singing everywhere. Driving down the road, sitting at the stoplights. Birds singing and sun shining over the misty mountain tops. The attitude is already changing.

Fun, fun fun!

2008-06-27T21:09:00.002-04:00

Last week Rob and I went to Ohio to celebrate the wedding of Emily Beck. Helping with the many little things that go along with the ceremony and a 300 person reception was fun! After all, it really wasn't our responsibility, we just got to play with flowers, oranges, gold fish and eat some good food and see some great people.

This week I have spent each evening with 25 children ranging from 4 - 13 years old at VBS. Even with the responsibilities I had, it too was fun. Getting hugs from little boys and girls, watching small faces change from frowns to smiles at the mention of lemonade, seeing adults playing kickball and eating popsicles and enjoy being kids themselves again.

Next week? Well next week, I get to rest up from all of this fun! Then...well, we'll talk about that later.

Praise God from whom ALL blessings flow!

2008-06-13T13:05:00.002-04:00

I never cease to be amazed at how small, seemingly unimportant things can make a day seem so much brighter! Praise God for creating minds that can figure out how to cut a canopy of leaves out of a $1 plastic tablecloth!

Whatsoever you do....

2008-06-08T17:39:00.002-04:00

There's something wonderful about being able to offer respite to another. Something so comforting to me in the act of providing comfort for another. Knowing that one is safe, and able to rest comfortably in my home, to be provided for with the basic things that we often take for granted....a soft place to lay your head, drinkable water, fresh food, a shower.

"Karen, you can't take everyone home with you."

Maybe not. But I think I'd like to.

Welcome to the family Rebekka Elaine Larson!!

2008-06-06T08:12:00.004-04:00

With brother Eric

With brother Alec

With sister Annika

Rebekka

I'm the mama

2008-05-30T20:54:00.002-04:00

Fixing breakfast, surprise donations for VBS, free and easy AT hikers healing and resting in my home, being given "trail names" - Mama and Papa Cassell, The Homeplace biscuits and gravy

Me: "I'm really gonna try not to "mother" you too much."
Australian Just Mike: "That's ok, I miss being mothered somewhat."

Me: "Well, I guess I'll go to the office and try to do some "ministering."
John: "You've already done more than called for today. You're way ahead of the game."

Look out world, here she comes!

2008-05-12T11:36:00.004-04:00

First Day of School

Last Day of School

Oh, the places she'll go!

Close your eyes and think of me

2008-04-12T19:59:00.003-04:00

Spring, the way the bright green of the hillsides pop against the blue sky, random tufts of daffodils on the roadside, little waterfalls cascading down the mountain side from morning rains, the blue hazy mountains of home, mountain top views and valley communities, Deep Purple, Carol King and other classic rock groups, coming home after a long day to a dinner of flounder

Welcome to the family Esther Pearl Ferris!

2008-03-22T19:46:00.005-04:00

Born March 22, 2008 8lb 14 oz

Brother Henry and Daddy (Paul David)

Mama (Mary)

Lord, help my unbelief

2008-03-04T09:42:00.003-05:00

The devotion I read today had this statement, "...truth does not depend on my understanding..."

There is so much I try to understand, but don't...God loves me, flawed as I am. Jesus died for me. People love me even though their actions, and sometimes their words, seem to contradict it. Then on the opposite end of the scale...people go on mass killing sprees, abuse those without the power to protect themselves, violence seems to be the reaction of choice. Just to name a few.

These things are true, they just are. My understanding, or lack of understanding, does not change that. In a world that says, "prove it," faith can struggle.

Guide my feet, hold my hand, stand by me, I'm your child

2008-02-24T18:54:00.002-05:00

Dana Belle: "Well Karen, you're installed now!"
Me: "Yep, just like an appliance."

So went an exchange between myself and a member of the congregation where I have been called to serve as the Assistant Pastor.

The role of a pastor, the meaning of ordination within the Church of the Brethren, the training for leadership in the church. These topics have been among the many I have discussed with Dana Beth and several of those young adults she has spent the past 3 years with. For me, however, in the past 5 months, they have become most significant, especially today during my "installation service." The comment I made to Dana Belle was a little sarcastic and said in jest, but then as I see what Webster has for a definition of the word "install," I'm not so sure I was that far off....

1 a: to place in an office or dignity by seating in a stall or official seat b: to induct into an office, rank, or order 2: to establish in an indicated place, condition, or status 3: to set up for use or service

Yep, there it is "to set up for use or service." That's me.

Hokies in Hooville

2008-01-29T16:19:00.000-05:00

It has been a long time, I know. So long, in fact, that there are just way too many things to post. Here are just a few highlights:

praying with a young couple waiting for their infant daughter to go into surgery, nurses named Ruth and Naomi, waking up and being able to see and wiggle my toes - and NOT throwing up!
hearing that my surgery "went swimmingly", morphine, Sandra and her lavendar lotion
Trish and her red velvet cake, sleeping 2 hours and feeling like it was 8, feeling the prayers of so many, thing grabbers and butt wipers, wonderful, filling, healing vegetable soup (x3), 2 church families, baby boys, lunch with Sue, getting out of the house, Rob's singing, being wanted, accepted and missed

I went to the funeral home today. A lovely lady from Cloverdale who suffered from ALS for almost 2 years died yesterday. She was one of the first people I visited. I had heard some of her story from Glenn and felt that I should take her a prayer shawl when I visited, so I did - a baby blue half-granny square. Sheila loved it. She had many blankets and quilts she used over her legs, but none of them quite fit around her neck and that was where she got cold the most, she said. Every time she came to church, she had the shawl around her shoulders. Today, when I saw her, she still had the shawl. Johnny, her husband, said it has brought her such comfort that it was right that she still have it with her. Held within the arms of God both in this life and the next. How awesome is that?

Whatever happened to the hugabunch?

2008-01-06T21:01:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time, I believed the best hugs in the world came from a loving man named Lefty Hoal. I still think Lefty's hugs were wonderful, but now I know that hugs just as wonderful can come from some of the most surprising places...

frail, aging men and women who hold you tight with all their strength
the bedridden friend who holds your hand and doesn't want to let go
the aging patriarch of the church who "confesses" he didn't want anyone to fill the position you now have
the young girl who is so full of love for everyone she seems to burst
the length of yarn woven into "arms of God" to surround me anytime I need a hug

Love, compassion, acceptance, comfort. All can be found in that simple but awesome thing, the hug.

Who are you?

2007-12-30T14:17:00.000-05:00

Today has been full of images - images of Jesus, images of the church, and this from J's blog after he recently got a haircut.....

"in the eternal instant between catching our reflection in the mirror and the inevitable reconstruction of our self-image, when our index of self-knowledge is ripped from our minds and we must quickly re-write the entire opus, we are given the rare opportunity to reflect critically on ourselves and evaluate who we are. whether or not we do so is a choice we make only after the moment has passed – after we have returned to the security and warmth of our familiar self-image, often unedited and unredacted, only slightly re-indexed. even so, we return to ourselves with the knowledge that we are constructed beings, as well as with the insight that with a little more effort than simply clutching to the familiar we can reconstruct ourselves in profound ways. more often than not, however, we simply allow the opportunity to pass, brushing off the entire experience with the ritual liturgy of uncritical indifference: ‘hey, i look different. i’ll have to get used to this.’ and the congregation responds with: ‘it looks good,’ or ‘it will grow back.’ amen."

Love came down at Christmas

2007-12-26T16:45:00.000-05:00

having both of my girls home, Lowell Wine's vast knowledge, travels and experience and his recognition of me as a "pastor," being part of 2, count 'em - 2, congregations, Martin's singing of "Mary did you know," having an office, Christmas traditions - old and new, seeing Jeff and knowing he is with Sandra and Tommy on Christmas morning, babies in the family, babies in church, the totally awesome concept of the child, brother, high priest, savior and lord who is the Son of God and God

According to Lowell:
"Women have a choice. Men don't."

"Lot's of people have knowledge, but some of them never gain wisdom."

"I had a few scary times, like when I was chased by a moose. Luckily, I could manouver around the trees of the forest better than he could."

"It was a universal worship service. I asked what I needed to do to be a part. I was told to put some rose petals into the flame. I did, and began to worship. I don't know if I was doing it right or not, but they all accepted me as part of it."

"It all started when I was about 40 years old. I thought about what my mother always said, "Lowell, you are made up of 3 parts. You are physical, mental and spiritual. You need to take care of each part in order to be a whole person...I would walk at least 20 miles a week, sometimes 15 in one day...I taught statistics, very mental...my photography was very spiritual for me."

God bless us...everyone

2007-12-15T20:07:00.000-05:00

Rob's 50 years, Dickens of a Christmas, citrus-y smelling trees, all white decorations on Jojo and Bobby's tree, learning that messages can come together over time and we just have to be patient

and the soul felt it's worth

2007-12-08T19:50:00.000-05:00

Friday:
Mac and Bob's veggie sandwiches, RSO and area choral groups performing O Holy Night, ballerinas in toe shoes, hundreds of people singing carols, relaxing

Saturday:
listening to Rob share, pecan waffles, children who listen, share and care, the cute little boy who told Santa he only wanted a penguin then seeing his face when he got one, remembering what it is like to be with preschool and elementary age kids, really good crab cakes, banana split ice cream

The baby comes to see the baby!

2007-12-06T22:02:00.000-05:00

quiet time at home, time with my aunt Kathleen and cousin Tammy, roasted tomatoes, shared paths of motherhood and individuality, affirmation from one who means so much to me, coming to understand just a smidgen about God's time

Are we dancing yet?

2007-12-03T19:11:00.000-05:00

sausage gravy, mother/father God, memories of Bill Shell at Thunder Alley, pictures on the wall, paperwork done, Sanner Kay's 56 years of life, Annika and her little pink socks, Jennifer, Mother

"You are a catalyst."

2007-12-02T18:47:00.000-05:00

christmas sweaters and Hokie scarves - together, children's stories that actually work like I planned, Hope found in sermons, children and unscheduled meetings, creative and sharing women, chocolate chip cheese cake, promises of the yet-to-be

What on earth am I doing?

2007-11-30T14:40:00.000-05:00

My "position description":

Provide, plan and coordinate, develop, assist, facilitate, secure, teach, serve, participate, foster, maintain, attend, engage, arrange, take, attain, become

I like the fact that the last verb is "become." Hints to the fact that what I am not in the beginning, I will become.

The table of grace

2007-11-28T21:49:00.000-05:00

sunshine warm on my face, returned phone calls, prayer shawl and VT quilt naps, Robin's hugs, an evolving office, hot tea

What's scary?

2007-11-27T20:44:00.000-05:00

2 pastors trapped at a funeral home during visitation by this...

"I was in the service, got out and I knew I was supposed to be a preacher...but God didn't want me to be a preacher...I found out what I was supposed to do...it's really too deep to go into here. I'm a messenger of God, that's it. I've written 3 books, I'll get them to you, you need to read them...There is only one bible - the King James...blessed by the angel Gabriel...If you're reading something else, you might as well be reading Tom Sawyer...If I go into a church that has something other than the King James, I gotta get out of there. It's scary, you know?"

Some of the roses along the way...

2007-11-23T20:51:00.000-05:00

Ashley, B, Leah at the infamous "dog fountain" downtown.

Ashley, B, Leah attempt to bring the caboose to a screeching halt

while Bruce hangs on for dear life!

Henry has had enough!

Trish and Alec playing "Who's Who?"

Paul David & Mary looking at old family photos.

Who will the next little one be named after?

Russell, Ann, B, Jerry Ann, Blaire, Brad at the

"Annual Wednesday night before Thanksgiving Dinner at Macado's"

For all these gifts, we give you thanks

2007-11-23T10:22:00.000-05:00

my girls at home, annual t'giving dinner w/"my kids," Thanksgiving breakfast, new faces at 1st, familiar worship without responsibilities, "great" kids, mother's unexpected acceptance and acknowledgement, sisters, Rob's eloquent statements, in-laws, restful sleep

Those other blessings

2007-11-20T13:10:00.000-05:00

May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half truths, superficial relationships, so that you will live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression and exploitation of people so that you will work for justice, equality and peace.

May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation and war, so that you will reach out your hand to comfort them and change their pain into joy.

And may God bless you with the foolishness to think that you can make a difference in the world, so that you will do the things which others tell you cannot be done.

- Author Unknown

Thanksfully good!

2007-11-18T16:59:00.000-05:00

being reminded that we have more in common than i remembered, friends who make themselves at home, shared tears, sharing crochet stitches, Darrell, Sheila, Jim, Diane, VT football, Susan's catering, fall, sunshine through leaves, backyard gazebos already decorated for christmas, puppies, children who want to share...and share...and share...

Lil sis and middle sis

2007-11-15T20:27:00.000-05:00

compassionate nurses, no spinal injections, country music through huge earphones, the first snowflakes of the year, time with Sandra

Antietam

2007-11-12T17:27:00.000-05:00

The road above is "The sunken road" also known as "Bloody Lane."

My first thoughts when I saw it..."yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death..."

The Dunker Church

Applebutter 2007

2007-11-12T16:44:00.000-05:00

'Neath the familiar towering spire

While Mike faithfully manages the roaring fire

"Bucket Boy" Bill 'splains how it's done,

And mom and daughter are glad it's only one!

The crew and Mason take a well deserved break,

The cool air makes Katie D's replacement shiver and shake

"Bumping rumps in church!"

2007-11-04T20:18:00.000-05:00

banana wheat pancakes, Friendship Class singing, youth led worship, my very own traveling communion kit, prayer shawls, hugs and the combined tears of happiness and sorrow, lunch with Ezekiel, Leah and wedding showers for the rich and famous, the church building in use 7 days a week, Rob's echoing to me my own word of advice, "Breathe."

"This is dangerous stuff"

2007-11-03T20:38:00.000-04:00

Clear blue autumn skies, hawks overseeing human efforts, applebutter making, cream cheese bars, Lois Hylton's surprising humorous remarks, 4 year old birthdays, teeny black puppies, the one of a kind all together strange and wonderful thing that is First Church and knowing they will always love me.

"Do what you have to do and let God take care of First Church."

2007-10-28T19:25:00.000-04:00

Things I like about the past few days:

Belcher women and b'day lunches, Annika' smile, Bedford Station, dinners w/the First Church crew, Camp Bethel, swinging, facilitating scriptural discoveries, mocha coffee on cool autumn days, fall colors, fresh flowers, candles, singing, First Church of the Brethren

Things I am not sure how to feel about:

Virginia Sinks' tears, Ann Kinder's tight grasp of my hand, Charlie's sarcastic yet hesitant goodbyes, Sue's grief hidden under false stern demands, Betty's hesitant expressions of endearment, Mary Frances' hugs and conditions, saying goodbye and yet not going anywhere, leaving when there are so few left, opportunities for ministry in areas that touch my heart, being called "mature", being wanted to fulfill a position of ministerial leadership, working with a seasoned, genuinally humble and gentle pastor, an office w/a computer and DSL not 10 minutes from my house, working in and studying the same thing, knowing it is right while it is also hard

Exciting? Scary? If it were dull and familiar then it probably isn't right.

2007-10-24T07:45:00.000-04:00

finding out that when you put it on paper, what you are doing is more than you ever imagined; knowing that a breathe is coming; sheila's wisdom; michael's talks from the heart; feeling that b is right where she should be

Are you tired? NO! Are you mad? NO! I'M BOTH!

2007-10-22T08:11:00.000-04:00

long drives with Rob, Fall, Ashley the adult, tiramasu, silence in the once bloody battlefield, century old towns, peanut butter swirl ice cream, the beauty that is Virginia, David's voice speaking the Word, Carol Lena's smile and hugs, Jonas' wisdom, Zeb's giggle, That Mouth!, Rob and Jonas catching butterflies, my own bed

Life

2007-10-18T19:24:00.000-04:00

It has been a while. Not because there is nothing to be thankful for, but because I have been overwhelmed.

UVA visits with neuro surgeons
Pending neuro tests that make me cringe
Back pain
I am an Assistant Pastor
I have an office
B is in Elgin
B has a...cubicle
Leah is safe and sound
Sam is home with hospice
My shared b-day with Daddy is coming up soon
This OT class has a lot of reading
Leadership for Prayer Retreat to do
Annual Conference Jr High event to plan
Saying good-bye to First
Wondering if I will be at T'giving worship and breakfast
Upcoming visits and visitors
More expected great nieces/nephews
Being part of prayers answered

This weekend

2007-10-07T20:43:00.000-04:00

Leah at home, Heritage Day, Daleville fried apple pies, "Better than sex cake" - at Camp Bethel???!!!dinner and football with friends, looking out at all the familiar faces, children running down the aisle, church at Wendy's, Love Feast, 3-year olds that break the gender barrier and want to wash feet, making Mike Dowdy speechless

"...not to be served, but to serve"

2007-10-01T14:47:00.000-04:00

I am humbled by...
the look in the eyes of the annointed
the call to serve from those who do not know me
the honest concern of a little boy named Ezekiel

Today's song

2007-09-12T21:12:00.000-04:00

Spare a little candle
Save some light for me
figures up ahead
Moving in the trees
White skin in linen
Perfume on my wrist
And the full moon that hangs over
these dreams in the mist
Darkness on the edge
Shadows where I stand
I search for the time
On a watch with no hands
I want to see you clearly
Come closer than this
But all I remember
Are the dreams in the mist
These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away

Is it cloak 'n dagger
Could it be spring or fall
I walk without a cut
Through a stained glass wall
Weaker in my eyesight
The candle in my grip
And words that have no form
Are falling from my lips

These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away

There's something out there
I can't resist
I need to hide away from the pain
There's something out there
I can't resist
The sweetest song is silence
That I've ever heard
Funny how your feet
In dreams never touch the earth
In a wood full of princes
Freedom is a kiss
But the prince hides his face
From dreams in the mist

These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away

These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away

Heart - These Dreams

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace

2007-09-12T21:05:00.000-04:00

sleeping till 9, doing homework in pj's, coffee w/b, coffee on the backporch, a quiet house, my old school Heart CD, Ezekial playing bells, friends telling me not to obsess

My soul thirsts

2007-09-12T09:01:00.000-04:00

There have only been 3 things in my life that have caused my entire being to ache. It is not like my backache, not like a headache or toothache. I guess it is a soulache. Now there are 2 more, one brought about by the other. Grief stricken over the death of a pastor, mentor, advisor, friend brought about by the desire to make the right decision.

Lead me Lord

2007-09-10T11:26:00.000-04:00

Lead me, Lord,
lead me in thy righteousness.
Make thy way plain
before my face.

For it is thou, Lord,
thou Lord only,
that maketh me dwell in safety.

"God, Thank you. Take away the pain. Amen"

2007-09-05T22:17:00.000-04:00

bells on the way to work, cherry coke zero, watermelon, clean towels, a little boy's healing prayers, olive garden salad

Labor Day

2007-09-03T20:11:00.000-04:00

harvest grain pancakes, baby voices, figuring out the way in, the front porch swing and the back porch chair, thank you cards from sweet little boys, burnt hotdogs, Leah's call

Today's song

2007-09-02T21:30:00.000-04:00

Walk humbly, son
Walk humbly, now
And cherish every step
For a life well spent
On this earth we're lent
Will be marked by the void you have left

May you conquer not curse challenges
May you hold back the dark like a dam
May you lead your life with lion's roar
May you leave it like a lamb

Don't await rewards for your good deeds
A reward won't make them good
Don't await judgment of any foes
They'll receive just what they should

When you find the axis of this world
Don't tread too far inside
Run away as far as you think you can
Be well and enjoy the ride

Walk humbly, son
And store your pride
When you need strength later on
For your life's work will be judged if earth
Is saddened when you have gone

Walk humbly, son
Walk humbly, how
And forget not where you are from
May you go further than those before
And provide for those to come

Will you walk humbly, Son?

Walk Humbly, Son
(Eddie from Ohio)